5 years...

Today is the 5th anniversary of my Step-dad's death. It's hard to believe it's already been 5 years. He was sick with ALS for about 5 years before he died on August 10, 2004. Unfortunately there have been lots of loved ones lost in my family and every time an "anniversary" comes around it's inevitable that I have a rush of different emotions. Mostly sadness. Sadness that we've had to continue on and live our lives without that person. You never stop missing them, the pain may fade a little bit, but mostly you just re-learn how to live your life without them. And that is so sad.

Through the whole day today I will probably flash back to 5 years ago and think about what was going on at that particular time throughout the day. Around this time, I was flying down 65 with Anne, Steve's sister. I lived in Northern IN at that time and Anne and I met and drove down together. We were doing about 90 with our flashers on. The thought of us both just trying to get to our respective moms brings tears to my eyes.

Another part of these "anniversary" emotions is that you let yourself think about what it might be like if they were still here. Undoubtedly he would be crazy about Will. He would probably already be teaching Will about the stock market, how to play poker, and would definitely have taught Will how to golf with his little plastic clubs much better than I have. Of course there would have been so much love. And then those thoughts bring back on the sadness - and madness. It makes me mad that he, and we, don't have this time together. It doesn't seem fair that he was cheated out of the chance to know his grandson. And it makes me very sad that he was taken away from my mom when they had so much life to live.

I am thankful though that we had the time with him that we did. And about a month before his death I was in an accident and left with a broken clavicle. I couldn't work, so I had just spent a week with him and my mom - just going back north for a Dr. appointment. I am so grateful that the day before he died, we got to play one of our games of scrabble together. Of course he beat me.

You are missed, Pops. Not just today, but every day.